Heartbroken 'N' c0nFuSeD

I'm at home. I felt so much like blogging when i was at blue heaven just now.

By now, you guys should know that i go to blue heaven. And if you read along the lines in my blog, you should know that i have my eyes set on this particular guy and no one else.

I met him yesterday for a movie and today, to go to blue heaven. When we went it all was fine. We went into the jacuzzi and all that. We even went into the steam room and private room together. Nothing happened. No sexual acts between us. Yes, i admit that sometimes i may seem brave, but i'm always timid and i'm one that don't usually take the initiative. One may consider that i'm a little reserved and conservative at times. He set his eyes on this guy in the pool and after leaving the private rooms, he wanted to look for the cute guy. Whatever for, you should know. I was so heart-broken then. Imagine the guy you like, wanting to have "whatever" with someone else.

I waited and waited. I used the computer to distract myself. Nah, not porn but just SGBOY. It had already passed 30 mins (or even more i suppose) and it seemed like an eternity to me. Alas, i saw him. We left blue heaven. I asked him, so how? had fun and he replied that he couldn't find that guy.

Oh well, of course, i felt kinda relieved. But still, i'm feeling hurt. Hurt? Very Hurt? Hurt? Very Hurt? i just dunno. I'm confused. I like him and i really do, but how would i know what his feelings to me are? Are we friends or are we more than that? Have i misinterpreted? Did i take his nice gesture and goodness to me as a wrong signal? Maybe he justs treats all his close friends like that? I'm just confused and it's affecting me. I feel so upset. I just feel like hugging him right now. I feel like crying. Well, yes i am crying, or rather tearing - my eyes are wet.

Why did i have to love him in the first place? Because i'm emotionally weak? Would tonight break our relationship as friends? Would this incident draw us nearer and nearer? I wish it would. But i'm just so afriad of it back-firing. I'm a weakling. I'm just a loser, i guess.

It's his birthday this sunday and i haven't bought him his gift yet. Although i've already thought of what to buy for him. I'm just so so hurt. God, Help me!

This blog is so nice to me. It doesn't bite back. I can just type and type and type and go on... It lets me vent my anger, my hurt, my sorrow and all the shit in me.

Cannot sleep; cry myself to sleep. Just another loser on earth.