Roller Coaster Ride

Let's recap. Last Saturday, Nikki, Eejin(Nikki's boiyfriend), James, Jeremy and I went to JB for dinner. We had Kang Kong, Kai Lan, Black Pepper Crab, Chilli Crab, Bao, Cereal Prawns, Hot Plate Toufu, Stingray and 1 coconut. It cost each person only SGD$16. Is that cheap? I think so... Before that, we were at City Square's having cakes and it was heavenly. haha... And it's cheap also... We went to Taboo thereafter and Jeremy got hooked up this australian guy. They kissed and kissed. Jeremy seem to like it lots... And for his safety, i had to drag him out and send him home.

Sunday - nothing. Went to Chomp Chomp Hawker Center for dinner with Jeremy and Marcus. Had Satay Bee Hoon, Satay and Sugarcane Juice. If kennie was there, i'm sure he would have enjoyed it. Thereafter, we proceed to Jeremy's house. I found out that Jeremy's dad used to be a nurse as well - as he had nursing books in his room. Marcus and Jeremy began hugging and such on bed. I was feeling very uncomfortable then and so I just used Jeremy's Mac to surf Trevvy and clear my emails. I nearly missed the last bus home. Thanks to the new bus service, 45.

Today, I met both of them for dinner again. It really hurts me very very much to see a couple, even though unofficial, to be so sweet, close and intimate with each other. It's not jealousy but envy. My heart ached. All the thought about Singlehood and Loneliness flooded my mind.

I've decided to keep a distance and stay away from Jeremy for the time being till I've settled down - say about a month or so. I'm not sure how long i'll take. Jeremy cried when i told him over the phone last nite about it. Am i just being selfish? I think i'm not. He's just losing me, a friend, temporarily. He still has someone's love. What about myself? I'm parting from him and I've no one to love me. Well, what about Kennie??? I simply do not know. I feel so much that it's like a single-sided love. Does he love me? Does he even like me? I do not know. Shittt... I'm crying and my tears are just rolling down non-stop and i'm really sobbing... Imagine loving someone with all your heart, soul and mind that that someone is just not being responsive. It really hurts. My heart aches...

I've been playing christian music in office the whole day and i started reading my bible this evening. I just need someone. Does Jesus help? Yes, i know He will and there's no doubt about that. But still, i need someone physical. It just really hurts and pains my heart...

Oh Lord You've searched me,
You know my way.
Even when I fail You,
I know You love me.
Your holy presence surrounding me,
In every season I know You love me.
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee,
Where Your blood was shed for me,
There's no greater love than this.
You have overcome the grave,
Your glory fills the highest place,
What can separate me now.

You go before me,
You shed my way,
Your hand upholds me,
I know You love me.

You tore the veil, You made a way,
When You said that it is done.
And when the earth fades, falls from my eyes,
And you stand before me I know You love me,
I know You love me.

I love you, Kenneth.